Are We Raising Confident Children or Children Who Depend on Our Approval?

Confidence is more than believing we are good at something

When we think about raising confident children, we often imagine children who speak up, participate in activities, try new things, and believe in their abilities.

These are valuable signs of confidence. But there is something deeper we want our children to develop: self-trust.

Self-trust means being able to make a decision without constantly wondering whether everyone will approve of it. It means trying something unfamiliar without needing a guarantee of success. It means making a mistake without immediately questioning our worth.

A child with growing self-trust might think:

• “I don't know how to do this yet, but I can try.”
• “I made a mistake, but I can learn from it.”
• “I have my own ideas, even if someone thinks differently.”
• “I don't need to be the best to enjoy what I do.”

Now consider a child who increasingly depends on approval.

They may frequently ask:

• “Is this good?”
• “Are you proud of me?”
• “Did I do it right?”
• “Will my teacher like it?”
• “What if my friends don't agree?”

There is nothing unusual about children wanting encouragement or reassurance. We all need connection and encouragement.

The concern is when a child's sense of being capable or worthy begins to depend too heavily on how others respond.

We want our children to value encouragement without needing it to believe in themselves.

How everyday praise can shape confidence

We naturally want to appreciate our children's achievements. When they do well, we celebrate. When they work hard, we encourage them.

But the way we respond can influence what they learn to value.

Consider two responses to a child who completes a difficult puzzle.

Response 1: “You're so smart! You finished it!”

Response 2: “You kept trying different ways until you figured it out. What helped you solve it?”

Both responses are positive. But they draw attention to different things.

The first focuses on an ability: being smart. The second helps the child notice their own effort, thinking, and strategies.

Research by psychologist Carol Dweck and Claudia Mueller (1998) found that children praised for intelligence were more likely to avoid challenging tasks after experiencing difficulty than children praised for their effort.

Why does this matter?

If children begin to believe that being smart is what makes them valuable, a difficult task can feel like a threat. Struggling may make them wonder whether they are actually smart.

But when we help children notice their strategies, persistence, and learning, difficulty can become part of the process rather than evidence that they are not capable.

Instead of always saying:

• “You're so talented.”
• “You're the best.”
• “You did it perfectly.”

We can sometimes say:

• “What part did you find challenging?”
• “What did you try when it didn't work?”
• “What are you most proud of in your work?”
• “What would you like to try differently next time?”

We are not removing praise from our parenting. We are making room for something more meaningful: helping children recognise their own growth.

When we step in too quickly, we may miss an opportunity

Our children struggle, and we want to help. That is a natural response.

A child cannot find the answer to a question, so we explain it. A child is unsure what to choose, so we decide. A child faces a disagreement, so we immediately step in to resolve it.

Sometimes our support is exactly what they need.

But when we consistently take over, we may unintentionally reduce the opportunities they have to experience their own capability.

Confidence does not grow only when children succeed. It also grows when they face a challenge, make a decision, work through uncertainty, and discover that they can handle more than they expected.

Imagine our child saying:

“I don't know which project to choose. You decide.”

Instead of choosing immediately, we could respond:

“Both sound interesting. What do you like about each one? Which feels more exciting to you?”

We are still supporting our child, but we are allowing them to think and decide.

Or imagine our child struggling with homework.

Instead of immediately giving the answer, we might ask:

“What have you tried so far? What could you try next?”

These small moments give children opportunities to practise decision-making and problem-solving.

We cannot build self-trust for our children. We can create opportunities for them to experience it.

What happens when our children make mistakes?

One of the most important places confidence develops is in how we respond when things go wrong.

Imagine our child comes home and says:

“I got the answer wrong in class. Everyone else knew it.”

We might quickly say:

“It's okay. Don't worry about it. You'll do better next time.”

Our intention is to comfort them. But sometimes, moving too quickly to reassurance means we miss what our child is actually experiencing.

They may feel embarrassed, disappointed, or afraid of being judged.

We can first make room for that experience.

“Sounds like that felt uncomfortable. What was going through your mind when you realised your answer was wrong?”

We can listen before offering advice.

And if our child says:

“I'm just bad at this.”

We might respond:

“Getting this question wrong doesn't mean you're bad at it. It means this is something you're still learning. What part felt difficult?”

Notice the difference.

We are not simply telling our child to feel better. We are helping them separate one experience from their identity.

A mistake is something that happened. It is not a definition of who they are.

Our reactions matter here, too.

If every mistake is met with frustration, criticism, or immediate correction, children may begin hiding their mistakes. They may become more concerned about avoiding our disappointment than understanding what went wrong.

But when they can talk openly about mistakes, they have a chance to reflect, take responsibility, and learn.

A child who feels safe talking about mistakes has more room to learn from them.

“Are you proud of me?” — a moment worth paying attention to

Children naturally want to make the people they love happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to feel appreciated.

But consider how we respond when our child asks:

“Are you proud of me?”

We could say:

“Of course! You got the highest score!”

The child may hear that our pride is connected to achieving a particular result.

Instead, we can make our response broader:

“I love seeing you work towards something that matters to you. How do you feel about what you accomplished?”

Or:

“I'm happy you shared this with me. What part are you most proud of?”

This does not mean we should avoid expressing pride or celebrating achievements. It means our children should also have opportunities to recognise their own feelings of accomplishment.

We want them to know that our love and connection are not rewards they earn through performance.

A child should not have to become someone else, achieve more, or get everything right to feel accepted by the people who matter most.

Four everyday shifts that help build self-trust

We do not need a complicated parenting plan to begin. Small changes in everyday interactions can make a meaningful difference.

1. Invite reflection instead of always evaluating.

When our child shows us something, we don't always need to decide whether it is good or bad.

Instead of immediately saying, “That's perfect!” we can ask:

“What do you like most about what you made?”

This helps children notice their own thoughts and feelings rather than waiting for someone else to evaluate their work.

2. Give children room to make age-appropriate decisions.

Let them choose between suitable options, share their opinions, and take responsibility for small decisions.

We can guide them without making every decision for them.

3. Make it possible to talk about mistakes.

When something goes wrong, listen before correcting. Help our children understand what happened and what they might do differently next time.

Our response can teach them that mistakes are experiences to learn from, not reasons to hide.

4. Let them see us practise self-trust.

Our children learn from what we say, but they also observe how we live.

When we make a mistake, can we acknowledge it without constantly putting ourselves down?

When someone disagrees with us, can we listen without automatically changing our opinion just to gain approval?

When we don't know something, can we say, “I don't know yet, but I'll find out”?

These ordinary moments show children that confidence does not mean always being right. It means being comfortable enough with ourselves to keep learning and growing.

Before we ask what our children need to change, let's look at ourselves

There is one more question worth exploring.

What is our own relationship with approval?

Do we find it difficult when someone disagrees with us?

Do we feel the need to explain or defend every decision?

Do we sometimes say yes when we want to say no because we don't want to disappoint someone?

Do we measure our success by how others respond to us?

We may not always notice these patterns in ourselves. But our children observe how we respond to criticism, uncertainty, mistakes, and other people's opinions.

If we constantly seek approval, our children may learn that pleasing others is an important part of feeling accepted.

This is not about blaming ourselves. It is an invitation to become more aware.

As we practise trusting our own decisions, accepting imperfections, and expressing our thoughts respectfully, we give our children a powerful example.

We show them that it is possible to care about other people's opinions without allowing those opinions to define us.

The confidence we want our children to carry

Raising confident children is not about making sure they always feel good about themselves.

There will be times when they doubt themselves, feel disappointed, compare themselves with others, or worry about what people think. These are part of growing up.

Our role is not to remove every uncomfortable experience.

It is to help our children develop the inner resources to navigate those experiences.

We can encourage them without making them dependent on praise. We can guide them without taking away every opportunity to decide. We can support them through mistakes without making mistakes something to fear.

And perhaps most importantly, we can help them understand that their worth is not determined by their grades, achievements, appearance, popularity, or other people's approval.

The goal is not to raise children who constantly ask, “Am I good enough?”

It is to help them grow into individuals who can say:

“I may not have all the answers, but I trust myself to learn, make decisions, and grow.”

That is the foundation of confidence that can stay with them long after childhood.